Historical "Would You Rather?"

Would you rather......................


Be remembered as a bewitching, English Reformation-causing beauty who was beheaded at a young age for treason:

Anne Boleyn

OR.......

Go down in history as being too ugly to marry the king but get to live a fairly decent life of peace and luxury:

Anne of Cleves

Famous Last Words.

"Am I dying, or is it my birthday?"

- Lady Nancy Astor

Spoken on her deathbed as she woke up to find herself surrounded by her family.

Torture Device Corner.

The Scavenger's Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!



The moniker "Scavenger's Daughter" is a corruption of the name of its inventor, Sir Leonard Skeffinton, who was the Lieutenant of the Tower of London during Henry VIII's reign.


The device was conceived as a complement to the Duke of Exeter's Daughter (aka "The Rack")
Like chocolate and peanut butter, those two!

In its original form, it was sort of a full-body handcuff used to transport prisoners from bell tower to bell tower:

As there are few recorded instances of torture by Scavenger's Daughter, it is assumed that it was rarely used.
The most famous S.D. torturee was Irishman Thomas Miagh, who was charged with the crime of "being in contact with rebels in Ireland." Back in merry old 16th century England, the WORST offense you could commit was treason...well that and not producing a male heir for King Henry.

Miagh would later grafitto the wall of the Tower with "By torture straynge my truth was tried, yet of my libertie denied. 1581. Thomas Miagh."
Or something like that.
Apparently, being squished in the Scavenger's Daughter did not result in a worthwhile confession from Thomas so they ended up Racking him. Really, who can have a normal life after being stretched so far that your limbs are ripped from their sockets?
You know what they say, once you go rack you never go back.

I bet you are thinking to yourself, so I'm in the fetal position for a bit, big deal.

Nice try. See, humans are extremely crafty and creative when it comes to the art of physical suffering.
Sometimes the simplest contraptions can cause the most pain. Certain variations of the Scavenger's Daughter design could gradually compress the body, slowly forcing the knees closer to the chin, resulting in broken bones in the ribs and spine.

The pressure could cause bleeding from the ears and nose!

Still, I'd choose that over the Rack.

Why buy a halo anywhere else?!

I found this lovely sleeping lady..........



Couldn't find the artist's name.....
Again with the dinner-plate pillow!
Like, take a break from all your Saint-ing, geez.

Dinner Plates of the Italian Renaissance.

So what's the deal with halos in Italian Renaissance art?
I mean, how'd they get so fashionable anyway?


My favorite art history professor in college lovingly referred to Renaissance halos as "dinner plates," due to their stiff and literal appearance........

Fra Angelico - "Flight to Egypt".

Prior to the Renaissance, artists were less interested in the illusion of reality and more concerned with the content and symbolism of their work. The size of each element in the image related to its importance, rather than it's placement in a space.
The gilded dinner plates were meant to indicate the prominent holy figures in the composition.

Here's an example of a gathering of extremely benevolent people. Can u handle it?:

Massacio - "The Tribute Money".

Baby angel dance party in the sky:

Giotto - "Lamentation".

For those days when you feel you want to express your subtle, blessed aura:

Piero di Cosimo - "The Visitation".

D'oh! Way to keep a low profile, Jesus!:

Donatello - "Christ Before Herod".

Ghirlandao - "The Visitation".

Giotto - "The Legend of St. Francis".

The reason for St. Martin's chronic neck problems:

Martini - "The Dream of St. Martin".

Just in time for Autumn, brown halos!:

Uccello - "Crucifixion".

Rainbow wings and calculated perspective- I love this guy:

Fra Angelico - "Annunciation".

Now they're just giving away halos:

Cimabue - "The Virgin and Child Throned".

Giotto, God bless him. His solution for a crowded table of apostles is precious.
"So.....umm..Bartholomew, your halo makes a better door than a window":

Giotto - "The Last Supper".

Okay, so now the guys in the front row don't even GET a halo:

Duccio - "The Last Supper".

What about Botticelli? He wouldn't stoop to such a simple visual trick would he?
Eep!

Botticelli - "Virgin and Child".

Definitely not Leonardo Da Vinci then! He was too busy perfecting chiaroscuro and inventing helicopters...........Good God!:

Da Vinci- "Benois Madonna".

One of these apostles is doin' his own thang....hint: eternal damnation:

Ushakov - "Last Supper".

Square halo?:

Roman mosaic of Pope Paschal c. 820.

Lovely Lie, "Photoshop".

I've been a good girl, Baby Jesus.

Famous Last Words.

"Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. Je ne l'ai pas fait expres."

"Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose."







- Marie Antoinette

Spoken to her executioner after stepping on his foot as she walked to the guillotine.

Ancient Unmentionables.

Aspicio!


Imagine being two thousand years away from the invention of mass-produced cotton panties and Wonderbras? How the Magnus Maximus did women cope?

Were there undergarments in Ancient Rome?

Well, women did wear a type of leather bra called a strophium under their togas. The strophium would tightly bind the chest, deemphasizing the breasts which was in back then. I need one of those...my ample chest is always getting in the way of stuff, Jupiter!

For underpants, they wore a simple, wrapped loincloth called a subligar or subligaculum, meaning “little binding underneath.”

The strophium/subligar set doubled as workout gear for women athletes as seen in these ancient Victoria's Secret ads:

Fourth Century Roman mosaics.

Piazza Armerina, Sicily.

Male laborers also wore the subligar when working, but upper-class men may have worn it only when exercising. That's right, high society dudes were "freeballing" or "going commando" if you will.

Here are some samples of Roman leather underwear:

Breathability was not an issue apparently.



Kinky devils!!!!